Ladies and Gentlemen

I give you... the biggest douchebag in the history of time:

These are from Cadillac's "Hey, Let's Be As Goddamn Smarmy As Is Physically Possible" ad campaign. They have many of these, and the main thing they have in common is smirking. Fuck you, Cadillac.

Have You Seen This Symbol?

Maybe, as a motorist, you've seen this strange marking on the asphalt:

If you're like most motorists, you may be confused as to what it means. That is understandable! Just look how fucking confusing it is! What the fuck is that even supposed to be?

Don't worry, I'm here to help. Here are some things it does not mean:

• "Stopping lane"
• "Turning lane"
• "Loading zone"
• "Passenger pickup"
• "Sidewalk"
• "Extra lane of full-speed car traffic"

No, in fact, it is actually a bicycle lane! I know, it's weird. It's designed so these things called "bicycles" can actually function in a city environment without killing everyone, at all times. If this is too much to keep track of,  just follow this simple rule:

• If you're in a car, and you are in the bicycle lane, STOP FUCKING DOING THAT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU ARE ENDANGERING MY LIFE. JESUS CHRIST.
  

Since I'm all equal-opportunity and shit, here's a side note to idiot cyclists: These bike lanes are ONE WAY. If you ride in this lane, but in the opposite direction, you might as well be riding on the GODDAMN AUTOBAHN. Cut that shit out. You are one of the reasons motorists hate cyclists.

They haunt my dreams

This commercial frightens/annoys the living shit out of me:

"That's insanium in the cranium, dawg."

Seriously?

"Alright"

STOP FUCKING SPELLING IT "ALRIGHT." IT'S "ALL RIGHT," GOD DAMN IT. TWO WORDS.

This is Bullshit

Hey, fuck this commercial.

"Precision is Power." Carefully read that sentence and tell me what it means. I'll save you the time: it means nothing. The other two commercials in this series feature the taglines "Strength is Power" and "Grace is Power," both of which also happen to be meaningless PR drivel. 

Dear Acura TL: get fucked.

P.S. The internet tells me that James Spader is doing the voiceover work. While it doesn't sound like him to me, I'm going to error on the side of caution and say fuck him, too.

Re: Fun

God, don't you just hate fun? I do.